What to say to her when she's not okay

You have tried saying things and some of them landed badly. So now you say less, because less feels safer than getting it wrong again.

This page is what to say instead. It is not a lecture about doing more, and you are not the problem here.

Short sentences work better than speeches. A long thoughtful paragraph is work for her, not comfort.

When she cries and you do not know why, say: “You do not have to explain it. I am here.” Or: “You do not need a reason.” Then stop talking. The pull towards filling the silence with a solution is strong, and you should resist it. Sitting there is doing something, even when it feels like nothing.

When she snaps at you, say: “That is fair. I will sort it.” Or say nothing, and go and do the next useful thing. It is very rarely about the thing she snapped about. Feeling irritable and wound up belongs to the same picture as feeling low, and is not evidence she has gone off you. Do not defend yourself in the moment. If it still matters in two days you can come back to it, and it usually will not.

When she says she is fine and she obviously is not, do not call her a liar and do not push. Say: “Okay. I am not going anywhere. If that changes, tell me.” Or: “You do not have to be fine with me.” That second one does a lot of work. She is performing fine all day for midwives, family and anyone who comes round, so being the one person she does not have to perform for is worth more than any advice.

When she says she is a terrible mother, do not argue with the verdict. “Don't be daft, you're brilliant” is meant as reassurance and lands as dismissal, because it tells her you have not really heard her. Say: “You feel like you are failing. You are not, and I know me saying that does not fix it. What was today like?” Naming the feeling and then asking a question keeps her talking. Correcting her ends the conversation.

When you have no idea what to say, “I do not know what to say, but I am not going anywhere” is a complete sentence and it works.

Some women get sudden, vivid, unwanted thoughts about something terrible happening to the baby, sometimes with themselves in them. These are far more common than anyone says out loud, and having one does not mean she wants to act on it or will act on it.

If she trusts you with one, your face matters more than your words.

If the thoughts keep coming back, that is worth mentioning to her GP or health visitor.

All of these come from a good place. That is exactly why they are worth knowing about.

• Rather than

  At least the baby is healthy.

  Try

  Both things are true and only one of them is being discussed. It tells her the way she feels is not permitted.

• Rather than

  You should sleep when the baby sleeps.

  Try

  She has heard it four hundred times, and it ignores that the baby sleeps in twenty minute bursts. If she cannot sleep even when she has the chance, telling her to try harder also lands on something a GP would want to know about.

• Rather than

  My mum had four and never complained.

  Try

  Comparison is the fastest way to shut someone up. It says other people cope, so what is wrong with you. The flattering versions do it too, so “you are doing better than my sister did” is the same move.

• Rather than

  Is it postnatal depression?

  Try

  Even asked kindly, this asks an exhausted woman to diagnose herself, and can frighten her into saying nothing. Say what you have noticed instead: “You have been crying most days for a fortnight, and that is not like you.”

Asking “what do you need?” fails, and it is not her fault that it fails. When someone is this tired and this low, deciding is itself the hard part, so you have handed her a task and called it help.

She has to work out what she wants, judge whether it is a reasonable ask, then ask you for it. So she says “nothing, I am fine”, because that is the cheapest answer available.

Offer one specific thing with a time on it instead. It works far better.

• “I am taking him out at ten for an hour. Go back to bed.” Not “do you want me to take him out at some point?”
• Do the 3am feed, on a night agreed in advance. “Wake me if you need me” will never be taken up.
• Handle one meal a day, the whole thing, including deciding what it is. The deciding is the part that counts.
• Take one recurring job off her permanently. Bottles, laundry, the bins, whatever. Permanently is the important word, because a one-off is a favour and a permanent job is weight off her.
• Handle the visitors, and book nothing that needs a decision from her. Being the one who says “not this week” is a real job she cannot do without feeling rude.

And if she turns something down, take the no without sulking. That is part of the offer.

You cannot sleep for her and you cannot make this stretch shorter. Some of it has to be got through, and that is not a failure of your effort. You should also not be her only support.

Some things need a professional pair of eyes rather than being carried between the two of you. If low mood has been there most days for more than a couple of weeks, if she cannot sleep even when the baby does, if she seems to be pulling away from the baby steadily rather than in odd moments, or if frightening thoughts keep returning, that is worth her mentioning to a GP or health visitor.

You can make that easier without taking it over. Offer to have the baby while she goes, or to help her get the words straight first, because saying it out loud is much harder than thinking it.

If you are ever worried about her safety or the baby's, that needs help the same day. The numbers at the bottom of this page are the place to start.

There is no perfect thing to say. Turning up, saying less, and doing the specific thing without being asked will count for more than any sentence here.

Keep an eye on yourself too. Partners get flattened by this stretch as well, and it is not a competition.