How to help someone with anxiety: a calm UK guide for partners, family and friends

If the person you are worried about is in crisis or feels unsafe, please call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent mental health support, call NHS 111 and select the mental health option. Samaritans (116 123, free, 24/7) and Shout (text 85258) are always available.

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If you have searched "how to help someone with anxiety", you are already doing more than most people would. The fact that you are looking up how to do this properly is, in itself, the first useful thing. A lot of people never think to ask.

This guide is written for the person on the other side of someone else's anxiety. A partner, a parent, a sibling, an adult child, a close friend, a flatmate. It is not a guide for the anxious person themselves. If that is what you need, anxiety self help is the better starting point.

Helping someone with anxiety is harder than it looks. The instincts that feel kind in the moment, fixing it for them, rushing in to reassure, taking the difficult thing off their plate, often quietly make the anxiety worse over time. The things that actually help can feel a bit unsatisfying because they are slow and quiet. This article walks through what UK mental health guidance from the NHS, Mind and Anxiety UK actually says works.

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Listen first, fix later, mostly never

The most common mistake in supporting someone with anxiety is jumping straight into solutions. The anxious person says they are panicking about a presentation tomorrow, and the helpful instinct is to start running through fixes. Practise it tonight. Email the chair. Ask if you can present sitting down. None of that is wrong, but most of it lands as pressure rather than support.

Mind's guidance for supporting someone with a mental health problem makes the same point in different words. People who are anxious or distressed usually feel better being heard before they feel better being advised. The Samaritans, whose entire training model is built around listening, describe this as letting the person say what they need to say without being talked over or rushed to a conclusion.

In practice, this can be as simple as "that sounds really hard, do you want to tell me more about it" rather than "have you tried". You are not failing them by not solving it. You are giving them the thing they actually need first.

Ask what would help, do not assume

Two people with anxiety can want completely different things from the same person on the same day. One wants company. The next wants to be left alone for an hour. One wants to talk it through. The next wants to be distracted by a film. Mind's content on supporting a friend or family member is consistent on this: ask, do not guess.

A simple question like "what would help right now" puts the agency back with the person who actually knows. If they say they do not know, that is also fine. "Do you want company, do you want some space, or do you want a distraction" gives three options without putting them on the spot.

The same applies in the bigger picture, not just the moment. Ask how they want you to handle their anxiety when you are out together. Ask if there is anything they want you to say or not say in front of other people. Treating them as the expert on their own experience is more respectful than deciding for them what they need.

Things to avoid saying, even when you mean well

A few standard phrases tend to make anxious people feel worse, even when they are said with affection. Mind, Anxiety UK and the NHS all flag versions of these in their content for friends and family.

"Just calm down" tells someone whose nervous system is in the middle of a real physical reaction that they should be able to switch it off. They cannot. If they could, they would have already.

"There is nothing to worry about" is a value judgement on something they are clearly very worried about. It puts them in the position of having to defend the worry instead of letting them sit with it.

"It could be worse" or "other people have it harder" is comparison as dismissal. The fact that suffering exists elsewhere does not lighten the suffering in front of you.

"You are overreacting" reframes their experience as a character flaw. Even if it lands as gentle in your head, it tends to land as judgement in theirs.

What helps more is something like "this sounds really hard", "I am here", or just "what do you need from me right now". You do not have to be poetic. You just have to not minimise.

Do not take over their life, but do not abandon it either

This is the most uncomfortable part of supporting someone with anxiety, and it is where the kindest people often get it wrong.

Anxiety thrives on avoidance. Every time the anxious person avoids a situation that scares them, their brain learns that the situation was indeed dangerous and that the avoidance was what kept them safe. The world quietly shrinks. NICE clinical guidance for anxiety disorders points to this pattern repeatedly. Graded, gentle exposure to the feared situation is what actually loosens anxiety's grip over time.

What this means for you, the supporter, is that taking the difficult thing off their plate every time can quietly hold them in place. Always cancelling the social plans on their behalf. Always making the phone call they were dreading. Always doing the supermarket shop because it is easier than them coming. None of this is wrong as a one-off. As a pattern, it can become part of the trap.

The opposite extreme, pushing them into things they are not ready for, is also unhelpful. The middle ground is to stay alongside them while they take the small steps. Going to the shop with them rather than for them. Sitting next to them while they make the call. Going out together for half an hour rather than the full evening they cannot face. This is the supportive version of what the NHS and Mind both describe as not letting anxiety get smaller versions of the person you love.

If this is hard to judge in practice, that is normal. It is one of the things a qualified therapist working with the anxious person directly is well placed to help with.

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Encourage professional help without forcing it

If the person you are worried about is not already in some form of support, gently raising it is a kindness. Mind's family-and-friends content suggests doing this when things are calm rather than in the middle of a difficult moment, and framing it as your concern rather than as a verdict on them.

Something like "I have noticed how hard this has been for you and I would feel better if you had someone proper to talk to, what do you think" tends to land more softly than "you need therapy". You are sharing your concern, not handing down a diagnosis.

In England, they can self-refer to NHS Talking Therapies at nhs.uk/talk without going through their GP. Waits vary widely. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, the GP is the standard route. Anxiety UK and Mind both run their own helpline and information services that can be a useful first call.

If a full course of therapy feels like too big a step, on-demand options like Wobble let them describe what is going on to a qualified UK therapist and get a personal video back, usually within hours. Lower commitment, lower pressure, and a way to test whether talking to a professional helps before signing up to anything longer.

Look after yourself too

Supporting someone with ongoing anxiety is genuinely tiring. The NHS carer pages and Mind's content for friends and family both make the same point: you cannot keep showing up for someone else if your own tank is empty.

That does not mean grand self-care projects. It means basics. Sleep, food, time outside, time with other people, time doing things you enjoy that have nothing to do with their anxiety. It also means being honest with yourself if it is starting to affect your own mental health. Talking to your own GP, seeing your own therapist, or using a charity helpline yourself is not abandonment. It is what makes the long version of supporting someone sustainable.

If you live with the person you are supporting, especially if you are their partner, this matters a lot. Resentment quietly builds when one person is always the steady one and the other is always the one being looked after. Naming the load, sharing the load, and not pretending to be fine when you are not is part of the work.

When it is becoming urgent

If the person you are worried about is talking about not being able to go on, harming themselves, or feeling there is no point, that needs proper support quickly. The NHS, Samaritans and Mind all stress the same thing: take it seriously, stay with them if you can, and help them access help.

NHS 111 has a mental health option available 24 hours a day. Samaritans (116 123) is free and answered around the clock. Shout (text 85258) is a 24/7 text service. For an emergency where there is immediate risk, that is what 999 and A&E are for. You do not have to handle a crisis alone.

Quick summary

Listen before you try to fix. Ask what would help rather than guessing. Avoid the phrases that minimise. Stay alongside them through the difficult moments instead of taking the world off their shoulders, and instead of pushing them into things they are not ready for. Encourage professional support gently. Look after yourself too. If it ever becomes urgent, 999, NHS 111, Samaritans and Shout are there.

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Sources and further reading

• NHS: Anxiety, fear and panic (nhs.uk)
• NHS: How to support someone with a mental health condition (nhs.uk/mental-health)
• NHS: Carers guidance (nhs.uk)
• NICE Guideline CG113: Generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder in adults (nice.org.uk)
• NHS Talking Therapies self-referral (England): nhs.uk/talk
• Mind: Helping someone else (mind.org.uk)
• Mind: Anxiety and panic attacks (mind.org.uk)
• Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk)
• Samaritans: 116 123 (samaritans.org)
• Shout: text 85258 (giveusashout.org)

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If the person you are supporting is struggling to function, please encourage them to speak to their GP or contact NHS 111. If they are in crisis, please call 999 or go to A&E.