Grief at Christmas: getting through the first, or any, Christmas after someone has died

If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, please call 999 or go to A&E. A mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one, and that is just as true on Christmas Day. For urgent mental health support, call NHS 111 and select the mental health option. Samaritans (116 123, free, 24/7, every day of the year) and Shout (text 85258) are always available.

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Grief at Christmas is often sharper than at other times of year because the season is built around togetherness and tradition, so the absence of someone who has died shows up in every ritual, and what helps most is planning the day in advance, deciding which traditions to keep or change, and giving yourself permission to feel what you actually feel rather than performing cheer. Mind lists bereavement, whether it is recent or some time has passed, among the main reasons Christmas is hard, alongside the pressure to enjoy yourself and look happy and the strain of other people's expectations. If you are facing the first Christmas without your mum, your dad, your partner or anyone else who should be there, none of what you are feeling is strange.

This piece is about Christmas specifically: the empty chair, the traditions that suddenly hurt, other people's cheer, and getting through the day itself. Everything in it is drawn from NHS guidance and UK mental health charities including Mind. It is not a diagnostic tool and it will not tell you whether your grief has become something a professional should look at, because that is a conversation for your GP.

If you want the fuller picture of what grief does to a person, the companion guide to the 7 stages of grief explains why grief is not a sequence you work through in order, which matters at Christmas because the season has a habit of knocking you back to the start.

Grief does not follow a schedule. Tell a therapist where you are with it, and get a personal reply, usually within hours.

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Why is grief worse at Christmas?

Grief tends to feel worse at Christmas because the season concentrates everything grief is about: family, memory, tradition and the expectation of happiness, all in one place and on one day. Mind names bereavement, the pressure to enjoy yourself and look happy, dealing with other people's expectations, and people who are not around as some of the main reasons Christmas is hard, and a bereaved person is usually carrying all four at once.

There is also the simple matter of contrast. On an ordinary Tuesday in February nobody expects you to be joyful. At Christmas the same feelings sit against a backdrop of adverts, music and other people's plans, and the gap between how you are supposed to feel and how you actually feel becomes its own weight. The NHS describes grief as something that can feel chaotic, with powerful feelings appearing unexpectedly, and Christmas is full of the small triggers that set those feelings off, a particular song, a decoration they bought, the recipe that was always theirs.

This does not only apply to a recent loss. Mind describes how, long after a bereavement, you can still have periods where things feel as raw as they did at the start, which is why a Christmas five years on can still floor you. The companion piece on how long grief lasts goes further into why grief comes in waves rather than fading in a straight line, and Christmas is one of the most predictable waves there is.

The empty chair, and the traditions that hurt

The hardest part of Christmas for many bereaved people is not one big moment but the hundred small ones where the person should be and is not. Their seat at the table, the present you would have bought, the job they always did, the phone call that is not coming. There is no technique that makes that absence disappear.

What you can do is decide, in advance and on purpose, what to do with the traditions. Mind's Christmas guidance suggests trying out some new traditions if any of your previous ones do not feel possible this year, and thinking honestly about whether you really need to do things you are not looking forward to. For some people that means doing Christmas somewhere different, skipping the big meal, or not putting the tree up. For others it means keeping everything exactly as it was, because the familiarity is the comfort. Both are allowed, and so is changing your mind on the day.

Mind's bereavement guidance also describes ways of keeping the person present rather than pretending the gap is not there: including their memory in celebrations and talking about them with others, doing things in their honour, and keeping objects that remind you of them. In practice that might be a candle, their favourite dish, a toast, or simply saying their name out loud at the table so that nobody has to tiptoe around it. The empty chair is going to be there either way, and acknowledging it is usually easier than everyone silently noticing it.

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How do you get through Christmas Day when you are grieving?

You get through Christmas Day by planning it before it arrives, keeping the day smaller than usual, giving yourself an exit, and letting the feelings come rather than fighting them. Those are the threads that run through Mind's Christmas coping tips and the NHS guidance on grief, and the aim is a day you can survive, not a day you enjoy.

Plan ahead. Mind suggests thinking about what might be difficult about Christmas for you and whether anything would help you cope, planning to spend less time in difficult places or not going at all, and talking about your plans with other people in advance. Mind also suggests planning something nice to do after Christmas, which gives the day an end point.

Keep it small and keep the basics going. The NHS advises not trying to do everything at once and not focusing on the things you cannot change. It also recommends eating regular meals to keep your energy steady and getting some exercise, which on Christmas Day can be as modest as a walk round the block on your own.

Give yourself permission to leave. Mind's guidance is clear that it is fine to set boundaries and say no to things that are not helpful for you, to take time out, and that it is not your responsibility to convince other people or get their permission to look after yourself. Decide before you go how you will leave if you need to, and tell one person so you do not have to explain on the day.

Let yourself feel it. Mind encourages letting yourself experience your own feelings, being gentle and patient with yourself, and reminding yourself that it will not last forever. The NHS lists overwhelming sadness and lots of crying among the normal feelings of grief, and there is no version of Christmas where you are required to hold that in.

Go easy on the drink. The NHS advises against using alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to relieve grief, and Christmas is the one day of the year when a drink is being offered from breakfast onwards. It can feel like it takes the edge off and it usually makes the evening harder.

Tell someone. The NHS suggests talking about your feelings to a friend, family member, health professional or counsellor, and Mind suggests letting people know if you are struggling and telling them what they can do to help. If calling someone you know feels like too much, Samaritans (116 123) is free and open every day of the year, including Christmas Day.

Other people's cheer, and what to say when someone asks

One of the more exhausting parts of grief at Christmas is other people. Some will say the wrong thing, some will avoid the subject entirely, and some will expect you to be fine because it has been a year. Mind's suggestion is to think of some answers in advance to the questions you dread, and to think about how you will end a conversation that gets too much, so that you are not improvising while upset. You are also allowed to tell people what you need, whether that is talking about the person who has died or not talking about them at all. If you are reading this because someone you love is grieving this Christmas, the companion guide on what to say to someone who is grieving covers the other side of that conversation.

Where on-demand support fits

Christmas is a difficult time to reach for help. Mind points out that some services close or run a reduced service over the festive period and that GP surgeries may close at certain times, and a course of bereavement counselling is not something most people start in the week before Christmas. On-demand support sits in the gap between doing nothing and committing to ongoing therapy. Wobble lets you describe what is going on in text or voice and get a personal video back from a qualified UK therapist, usually within hours, with one clear and practical next step rather than vague reassurance. When Wobble was tested with real people, 96% said they felt better after a single video.

That is the thinking behind the Wobble response framework, a structured framework built for short, practical, single-response support, which follows the same logic as everything above: take a little weight off first, then take one steady step. Wobble's Clinical Lead is James Penney, an NCPS Accredited Psychotherapeutic Counsellor. It does not replace your GP if grief is overwhelming your daily life, but it is a real way to get qualified human support over a stretch when much of the system is closed.

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When to see your GP, and when it is urgent

Grief itself is not usually a mental health problem, and Mind is clear that in most cases it is a normal, if painful, part of life rather than something to be diagnosed. A hard Christmas is not a sign that anything has gone wrong with you. Even so, there are good reasons to ask for help. The NHS suggests seeing a GP if you are struggling to cope with stress, anxiety or a low mood, if you have had a low mood for more than two weeks, if the things you are trying yourself are not helping, or if you would simply prefer a referral. Mind adds that very strong feelings of grief that go on for a long time and get harder to cope with are worth raising too. You do not need to work out what it might be called, that is what the appointment is for. If low mood is the biggest part of what you are carrying, low mood covers that side.

In England you can also refer yourself directly to NHS Talking Therapies without going through your GP, where free talking therapies such as CBT are offered, and waits vary widely so it is worth referring early. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland the GP route is the standard one. Cruse Bereavement Support, which both the NHS and Mind signpost, runs a free helpline on 0808 808 1677 on weekdays, with hours that may change over the festive period, so check cruse.org.uk. For private support, a therapist registered with BACP, UKCP, BABCP, BPS or NCS can help, and BACP (bacp.co.uk) and Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) let you search by location and specialism, including bereavement experience.

Some situations need help sooner, and Christmas does not change that. Ask for an urgent GP appointment or call NHS 111 and select the mental health option if you need help urgently but it is not an emergency. If you or someone you know needs immediate help, or someone's life is at risk, call 999 or go to A&E. A mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one and you will not be wasting anyone's time. Samaritans (116 123) are free to call day or night, every day of the year, and Shout (text 85258) is there if calling feels like too much.

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On-demand mental health support from qualified UK therapists. Describe what is going on and get a personal video back, usually within hours. First Wobble £9.99, then from £8.75 with a plan.

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Quick summary

Grief at Christmas is often sharper than at any other time of year because the season concentrates family, memory, tradition and the expectation of happiness into one day, and the absence of the person who has died shows up in every part of it. That is true of a first Christmas and it can be true years later, because grief comes in waves and Christmas is one of the most predictable. Decide in advance which traditions to keep, change or drop, find a way to include the person rather than tiptoeing around the empty chair, plan a day that is small and has an exit, keep the basics going, go easy on the drink, and let yourself feel whatever arrives. If grief is overwhelming your daily life, has stayed very intense for a long time, or you have had a low mood for more than two weeks, see your GP, and if you need help urgently over Christmas, NHS 111, Samaritans and Shout do not close. You do not have to get through this on your own.

For the emotions behind all of this, see the 7 stages of grief. For why grief does not run to a schedule, see how long grief lasts.

Sources and further reading

• NHS: Grief after bereavement or loss (nhs.uk)
• NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health (nhs.uk)
• NHS Talking Therapies self-referral (England): nhs.uk
• Mind: Christmas and mental health, including Why Christmas is hard, Christmas coping tips and Useful contacts (mind.org.uk)
• Mind: Bereavement, Experiences of grief and Support and self-care (mind.org.uk)
• BACP: bacp.co.uk
• Counselling Directory: counselling-directory.org.uk
• Samaritans: 116 123 (samaritans.org)
• Shout: text 85258 (giveusashout.org)

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If grief is affecting your daily life or has stayed very intense for a long time, please speak to your GP or contact NHS 111. If you are in crisis, please call 999 or go to A&E.