How to stop comparing yourself to others

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The most reliable way to stop comparing yourself to others is to cut down the input that feeds the habit, particularly time spent on social media, and then to deliberately build up your own evidence about what you are good at, which is the approach both Mind and the NHS take in their self-esteem guidance. Comparison is not vanity and it is not a character flaw, it is what happens when you are handed an endless run of other people's best moments with none of the context, and Mind makes the point plainly that what people choose to share about their lives is not always the full picture.

This piece covers why the habit takes hold, what helps, and when it is worth taking to your GP. Everything here is drawn from NHS self-help guidance and UK mental health charities including Mind, and it is not a diagnostic tool. Persistent comparison often sits on top of a longer stretch of feeling flat, so if that sounds familiar, low mood is the fuller companion guide to this one.

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Why comparing yourself to others is so hard to stop

Part of it is that the comparison is rigged before you start, because you are matching the inside of your own life, doubt and boring bits included, against the edited outside of someone else's.

The rest of it is older than any app. The NHS points out that low self-esteem often begins in childhood, and that teachers, friends, siblings, parents and even the media all send us messages about ourselves, with the message that you are not good enough being the one that tends to stick. It also notes that personality plays a part, since some people are simply more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves. Mind lists worries about appearance and body image, and pressure to meet unrealistic expectations through things like social media, among the experiences that can contribute to low self-esteem. The habit is not a personal failing you invented, it is a predictable response to a lot of input pointed in one direction.

There is also a cost to leaving it running. The NHS describes how low self-esteem can lead people to hide away from social situations, stop trying new things and avoid anything they find challenging. That feels safer in the short term, but in the longer term it backfires, because avoiding things quietly teaches you that the doubts were right all along.

Is it normal to compare yourself to other people?

Yes, comparing yourself to others is common, and it only becomes something worth acting on when it is constant or when it is dragging your mood and confidence down with it. Mind is clear that low self-esteem is not a mental health problem in itself, though mental health and self-esteem are closely linked.

The useful distinction is not whether you compare, but what it does to you afterwards. Noticing a colleague is better at something and deciding to learn from them is one thing, and coming away from every scroll with a lower opinion of yourself is another.

How to stop comparing yourself to others

None of the following will stop the thought arriving, they are about what happens next, and they all come from NHS and Mind self-help guidance.

Limit the input. Mind's advice is to try to avoid comparing yourself to others, and the practical version it gives is limiting how much time you spend on social media and online communities. It is the highest-leverage move on the list, because it reduces the number of comparisons you are asked to make rather than asking you to win each one.

Challenge the thought instead of obeying it. The NHS approach to low self-esteem is to identify the negative beliefs you hold about yourself and then challenge them, writing them down and then writing evidence that argues against them. Mind offers a quicker version of the same test, which is to ask whether you would talk to a friend the way you have just talked to yourself.

Build your own evidence. The NHS suggests writing down positive things about yourself, along with good things other people have said about you, aiming for at least five and adding to the list over time, then keeping it somewhere you will actually see it. Mind adds accepting compliments rather than deflecting them, and asking people what they like about you, since they often notice things you would never credit yourself with.

Point yourself at what you can affect. NHS guidance on low mood advises against focusing on the things you cannot change, and suggests setting small targets you can easily achieve rather than trying to do everything at once, which is the same point Mind makes about setting small goals. Someone else's career, body or relationship sits firmly in the cannot-change column, and what you do this week does not.

Be deliberate about who you are around. The NHS suggests spending less time with people who bring you down, or telling them how their words affect you, and building relationships with people who appreciate you. Mind gives the same advice about focusing on positive relationships.

Look after the basics. Mind includes sleep, eating regularly, physical activity and time outside among the things that support self-esteem. A tired, underfed version of you loses this argument far more often.

Wobble's therapists work to the Wobble response framework, a structured framework built for short, practical, single-response support, which follows the same logic as the list above. One clear step you can actually take beats a complete overhaul of how you feel about yourself by Friday.

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Should I delete social media?

You do not have to delete it. Mind's suggestion is the more moderate one of limiting how much time you spend on social media and online communities, rather than cutting yourself off from it entirely.

In practice that means being honest about which parts of it leave you feeling worse and spending less time there, which is the same principle Mind applies to the people you spend time around, just pointed at a feed instead. Deleting the lot works for some people, but treating it as all or nothing tends to end with nothing.

At work the comparison usually arrives as the feeling that everyone else knows what they are doing and you are the one who slipped through, and imposter syndrome at work covers that version in more detail.

When comparison starts to feel heavier

Mind notes that some signs of low self-esteem can also be signs of a mental health problem, particularly when they last a long time or affect your daily life, giving examples including feeling hopeless or worthless, blaming yourself unfairly, hating yourself, and worrying about being unable to do things. The NHS is similarly direct that living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.

That is not a reason to panic about a bad week, but it is a reason not to let years of it pass unexamined. If the comparison has hardened into something closer to self-hatred, I hate myself is the sister guide to this one.

Where on-demand support fits

The gap most people fall into is that this rarely feels serious enough to justify a course of therapy, so nothing happens at all, sometimes for years. Wobble sits in that gap. You describe what is going on in text or voice and a qualified UK therapist sends back a personal video with something practical to try, usually within hours, with no course to commit to. Wobble's Clinical Lead is James Penney, an NCPS Accredited Psychotherapeutic Counsellor.

It is not a substitute for ongoing therapy if that is what you need, and the section below covers when that is the right call.

When to see your GP

The NHS advises seeing a GP if you have had a low mood for more than two weeks, if you are struggling to cope, if the things you are trying yourself are not helping, or if you would simply prefer to be referred. The NHS also lists talking therapies such as counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy among the things that can help with low self-esteem.

If you live in England and are 18 or over, or 16 or 17 in some areas, you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression without going through your GP, and you do not need a diagnosed condition to do it. Waits vary widely, so referring early is sensible even if you are looking at other options too, and elsewhere in the UK it is worth asking your GP what is available locally. Privately, make sure any therapist you approach is registered with a recognised professional body such as BACP, UKCP, BABCP, BPS or NCS, and Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) lets you search by location and specialism.

Seek urgent help if you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or feel you cannot keep yourself safe. NHS 111 has a mental health option available 24/7, Samaritans are on 116 123 day or night, and Shout is a text service on 85258.

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Quick summary

Comparing yourself to others is common, and it is fuelled by an unfair matchup between your own inside view and everyone else's edited outside view. Mind advises limiting time on social media and online communities, and points out that what people share is not the full picture. The NHS approach is to identify the negative beliefs underneath and challenge them in writing, build a list of at least five positive things about yourself and keep it visible, and spend more time around people who appreciate you. If this has been going on for more than a couple of weeks, is affecting your daily life, or has slid into feeling worthless or hopeless, a GP appointment is the right next step.

For the wider picture, see low mood. If it has turned into something harsher, see I hate myself.

Sources and further reading

• NHS: Raising low self-esteem (nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support)
• NHS: Low mood, sadness and depression (nhs.uk/mental-health)
• NHS: Find NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression (nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services)
• Mind: About self-esteem (mind.org.uk)
• Mind: Tips to improve your self-esteem (mind.org.uk)
• BACP: bacp.co.uk
• UKCP: psychotherapy.org.uk
• BABCP: babcp.com
• BPS: bps.org.uk
• NCS: nationalcounsellingsociety.org
• Counselling Directory: counselling-directory.org.uk
• Samaritans: 116 123 (samaritans.org)
• Shout: text 85258 (giveusashout.org)

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If comparing yourself to others is affecting your daily life, please speak to your GP or contact NHS 111. If you are in crisis, please call 999 or go to A&E.