Pet grief: why losing a pet hurts so much, and what helps

Wobble is not a crisis service. If you are in danger call 999, or Samaritans on 116 123.

Read this first

Pet grief is real grief, and losing a pet can hurt as much as losing a close family member. Mind says pets give companionship, emotional support and unconditional love, and that losing them can feel like losing family, especially if your pet was your main companion. The shock, the tears, the guilt about the final decision and the silence in the house are all ordinary grief. This article covers why it hurts so much, what the feelings tend to look like, what helps, and who you can talk to today. It is drawn from Mind, the NHS, Cruse Bereavement Support and Blue Cross, which has run a pet loss support line for 30 years. If you want the wider picture of how grief moves, the stages of grief sits alongside this piece.

It is not a diagnostic tool, and it will not tell you how long you are allowed to feel like this. If your grief is affecting your daily life, your GP is the right person to talk to, and the free helplines further down are open now.

Why is losing a dog so hard?

Losing a dog is hard because a dog is woven into every ordinary hour of your day. The walk, the feeding, the greeting at the door, the weight against your leg on the sofa. When they go, every one of those routines turns up empty, several times a day. Blue Cross puts it plainly: life once filled with the love and friendship of a pet may suddenly seem very empty, and deep sadness and loneliness are not uncommon. Cruse's pet loss page, written by someone who lost two dogs in quick succession, describes pets as dependents, confidants and family members whose absence follows you from room to room.

The same is true of a cat, a rabbit, a horse or any animal you loved. Dogs come up most in searches because their routines are the most visible. The grief follows the bond, whatever the animal. MindWell, the mental health information service for Leeds, notes that the depth of grief usually reflects the significance of the loss.

Is it normal to grieve a pet this much?

Yes, grieving a pet this hard is normal, and the organisations that deal with grief every day say so. Mind says all types of grief are valid. Blue Cross says people can experience the same level of grief as at the death of a close relative, and that feelings of despair, loneliness and even depression can be overwhelming. Cats Protection, whose Paws to Listen line supports people who have lost a cat, says there is no right way to feel and that your feelings are normal and personal to you.

Searches like "my dog passed away and I feel empty, is this normal" are common for a reason. Feeling empty is one of the first things people describe, and it is a reasonable response to a house that has gone quiet. The NHS describes shock and numbness as usually the first reaction to any loss, with people often talking about being in a daze.

What pet grief can feel like

Grief after a pet dies looks much like grief after any death. The NHS lists shock and numbness, overwhelming sadness with a lot of crying, tiredness or exhaustion, anger and guilt, and notes that these feelings may not be there all the time and that powerful feelings can appear unexpectedly. Cruse adds that it is normal to feel angry when someone dies, that you may feel disorientated, as if you have lost your place in the world, and that it is common to feel physically ill, because the pain of grief can be felt as a real pain.

The physical side surprises people. Cruse describes appetite changing in either direction, trouble sleeping, a racing mind at night, and sometimes breathlessness, heart palpitations or even a panic attack. Blue Cross says people often describe guilt or numbness after a pet dies, and that for others there is a sense of calm and relief. Relief after a long illness usually means the hard part, watching them struggle, is over.

How long it lasts varies from person to person. Blue Cross says everyone grieves in different ways and for different lengths of time, from weeks to months and in some cases years. Mind says there is no time limit on grief. Cruse puts it gently: healing comes slowly, but it does come. If you want more on this, how long does grief last goes into the question properly.

Guilt, and the decision to say goodbye

Guilt after losing a pet is common, and it is sharpest when you had to make the decision. Blue Cross says that if we have pets in our lives, sooner or later we are likely to have to make a decision about the end of their life, and that there may be a strong sense of guilt and self-doubt, particularly when a decision has been taken to euthanise or rehome a pet. It calls these feelings normal and a testimony to the bond between people and their pets.

The timing is the part people torture themselves with. Too soon, and you wonder whether there were more good weeks in them. Too late, and you wonder whether they suffered. Cruse's pet loss page says lots of us struggle to get the timing right, and that we often live with guilt and regret if our pet did not have the gentle death we were hoping for. Blue Cross frames the decision as part of the job: pets cannot tell us they are in pain, so looking for the signs and talking the options through with your vet is part of the responsibility of having them. MindWell calls it a heartrending decision that shows the love you had for your pet by putting their wellbeing first. If you knew the end was coming for a while, anticipatory grief describes the grieving that starts before the loss.

When other people do not understand

One of the hardest parts of pet grief is being expected to be over it quickly. Mind has a name for grief that others do not recognise: disenfranchised grief, a loss where you feel unable to mourn publicly, including when others see your loss as trivial or do not understand it. Mind notes that not everyone understands how upsetting losing a pet can be, and that this can leave you reluctant or embarrassed to talk about how you feel.

The RSPCA's most recent Pet Grief Survey found that 57% of people felt they had to hide their grief, and that fewer than one in ten felt pet grief is taken as seriously as it should be. MindWell names the comments that do the damage: it was only a dog, you can easily get another one. Blue Cross tells friends and family to listen, to try to see it from your perspective rather than their own, and not to suggest getting another pet. If the people around you cannot manage that, the helplines further down are staffed by people who can. If you are the friend rather than the person grieving, what to say to someone who is grieving covers the words that help.

Want a personal response?

Wobble connects you to a qualified UK therapist without the commitment of a full course of therapy. Describe what is going on and get a personal video back, usually within hours.

Create account

What helps when you are grieving a pet

Talking to someone who understands pet loss is where most of the guidance starts. Blue Cross says it sometimes helps to share these feelings with someone who knows from personal experience how distressing pet loss can be, and its support line is staffed by trained volunteers for that reason. The NHS suggests talking about your feelings to a friend, family member, healthcare professional or counsellor, and considering peer support, where people use their own experience to help each other.

Let it out rather than managing it. Cruse's pet loss page comes down to talking when you need to talk and crying when you need to cry. The NHS says try not to tell yourself you are alone, because most people feel grief after a loss and support is available.

Keep the basics going. The NHS recommends regular meals to keep your energy stable, regular exercise for mood and sleep, and setting small targets rather than trying to do everything at once. Cruse adds that appetite and sleep often go wrong in early grief and suggests smaller portions, a calming bedtime routine and gentle exercise such as walking. The NHS also warns against using alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to relieve grief, because they all contribute to poor mental health.

Mark it. Cruse says rituals help us process loss, whether that is scattering ashes or placing a memorial plaque. Blue Cross suggests a keepsake such as a collar or name tag, a paw print or a tuft of fur, planting flowers or a shrub, making a photo album, or writing a tribute. MindWell suggests a memory box for their lead, collar and photographs. Pick one that feels like them.

Do not rush the next pet. Blue Cross says a pet was unique and cannot be replaced, in the same way a human family member could not be. MindWell says to give yourself time to come to terms with the loss and not to let anyone pressure you into another pet until you are ready.

If you want to talk it through with a therapist without signing up to a course of counselling, Wobble is one way to do that. You describe what is going on, in writing or by voice note, and a qualified UK therapist records you a personal video. The therapists work to the Wobble response framework: what they understood from what you told them, practical guidance, and one clear next step. Wobble's Clinical Lead is James Penney, NCPS Accredited Psychotherapeutic Counsellor. People use it once, to say out loud what the house feels like now, or as a regular check-in while the grief settles. It is individual support, and it is not a crisis service.

Should I get another pet?

Only when you are ready, and nobody else gets to decide when that is. MindWell says try not to rush into it because you need time to come to terms with your loss, and that when you are ready, a new pet can be a good choice and a loving home for an animal that needs one. Blue Cross tells well-meaning friends not to raise it at all, because you will mention it when you feel ready. Some people want another animal in the house within weeks, some wait years and some never do, and all three are fine. The risk MindWell points to is acting too quickly and regretting it later.

When grief becomes low mood, and when to see your GP

Grief and low mood overlap, and the NHS gives a plain rule for when to ask for help. See your GP if you are struggling to cope with stress, anxiety or a low mood, if you have had a low mood for more than two weeks, or if the things you are trying yourself are not helping. The NHS says feelings after a bereavement should ease gradually with time. If yours are not easing, see your GP. Cruse adds that if sleep or appetite problems carry on for several weeks, or you have palpitations regularly, a doctor should know. A pet is a good enough reason to book an appointment. The appointment is about how you are, whatever caused it.

In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies without seeing a GP. You need to be 18 or over (16 or 17 in some areas), and you do not need a diagnosed mental health condition. Waits vary widely. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland the GP route is the standard one. If you want to talk to a counsellor about the loss itself, bereavement counselling explains the options. If the sadness has spread beyond the loss into everything else, low mood is the piece to read next.

When it is urgent. If you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or you do not feel safe, call 999 or go to A&E. NHS 111 has a mental health option 24 hours a day. Samaritans are on 116 123, free, any time, and say they listen with no judgement and no pressure and will never tell you what to do. Shout is a free text service on 85258. Losing a pet can be the thing that tips an already heavy year, and these lines are for that too.

Who you can talk to today

Free pet loss helplines come first, then the general lines, then your GP.

• Blue Cross Pet Loss Support: 0800 096 6606, free and confidential, 8.30am to 8.30pm every day of the year, answered by trained volunteers who know pet loss from personal experience. Email plsmail@bluecross.org.uk, or use the webchat on their site. For any kind of pet loss, including a pet that was lost or had to be rehomed.
• Cats Protection Paws to Listen: 0800 024 94 94, free, 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday except bank holidays, volunteer listeners for anyone grieving a cat. A sympathetic ear rather than counselling.
• Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677, free, for anyone in the UK affected by grief. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday 9.30am to 5pm, Tuesday 1pm to 8pm.
• NHS Talking Therapies (England): refer yourself at nhs.uk/talk without seeing your GP. You do not need a diagnosed condition. Waits vary widely.
• NHS 111, mental health option: call 111 and select the mental health option, or use 111 online, for urgent help that is not an emergency. Free, 24 hours.
• Samaritans: call 116 123, free from any phone, 24 hours a day.
• Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, confidential, 24/7. A text service, for when calling is the hard part.
• Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393, 9am to 6pm Monday to Friday, for information and where to get help near you. Mind's Support line is 0300 102 1234, same hours, if you want someone to listen.
• Your GP: if low mood has lasted more than two weeks, if you are struggling to cope, or if what you are trying is not helping.

Wobble is on-demand mental health support: you choose a topic, then answer six short questions about it, add more in writing or by voice note if you want, and a qualified UK therapist records you a personal video with practical guidance, usually within hours. Use it once, or make it a regular check-in. Your first Wobble is £9.99, usually £14.99. It is not a crisis service.

Try Wobble for £9.99

On-demand mental health support from qualified UK therapists. Describe what is going on, get a personal video back usually within hours. Free to sign up.

Sign up for free

Quick summary

Pet grief is real grief, and Mind, the NHS, Cruse and Blue Cross all treat it that way. Losing a pet hurts because they were part of every ordinary hour, and the shock, sadness, tiredness, anger and guilt that follow are the same feelings that follow any death. Guilt about the decision to say goodbye is common and normal. Other people not understanding is common too, and it does not make your grief too big. What helps is talking to someone who understands, letting the feelings out, keeping meals and sleep roughly in place, marking the loss in a way that feels like them, and not rushing into another pet. If low mood lasts more than two weeks or your grief is not easing, see your GP. Blue Cross, Cats Protection, Cruse, Samaritans and Shout are free and open now, and Wobble is there if you want a therapist's personal response, once or as a regular check-in.

Sources and further reading

• Mind: What is bereavement? Including losing a pet
• Mind: Helplines
• NHS: Grief, bereavement and loss
• NHS Talking Therapies self-referral (England)
• Blue Cross: Pet Loss Support
• Blue Cross: Loss of a pet
• Blue Cross: Preparing to say goodbye to your pet
• Blue Cross: What to say to someone who has lost a pet
• Cruse Bereavement Support: Pet loss and grief
• Cruse Bereavement Support: Feelings when someone dies
• Cruse Bereavement Support: Physical effects of grief
• Cruse Bereavement Support: Helpline
• Cats Protection: Paws to Listen
• RSPCA: Pet bereavement
• MindWell Leeds: Pet bereavement
• Samaritans: 116 123
• Shout: text 85258

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If grief or low mood is affecting your daily life, please speak to your GP or contact NHS 111. If you are in crisis, please call 999 or go to A&E.