How to build confidence and self esteem: what actually helps

If you are in crisis or feel unsafe, please call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent mental health support, call NHS 111 and select the mental health option. Samaritans (116 123, free, 24/7) and Shout (text 85258) are always available.

Read this first

The way to build confidence and self esteem is to notice the negative beliefs you hold about yourself, challenge them in writing with evidence that argues the other way, and then stack up small wins by doing things you are good at and things that slightly scare you, which is the approach the NHS sets out in its self-esteem guidance. Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself, and when it is low the NHS describes seeing yourself and your life in a more negative and critical light, and feeling less able to take on whatever life throws at you. None of that is a personal failing, it is a pattern, and patterns can be worked on.

This piece covers why confidence drops, the practical steps that help, and when it is worth taking to your GP. Everything here is drawn from NHS self-help guidance and Mind, and it is not a diagnostic tool. Low confidence and anxiety tend to travel together, since the NHS notes that living with low self-esteem can lead to problems such as anxiety, so if worry is the louder of the two right now, anxiety self-help is the broader starting point and this article sits underneath it.

Struggling right now?

Wobble is on-demand mental health support from qualified UK therapists. Describe what is going on in text or voice and get a personal video back with practical next steps, usually within hours. Your first Wobble is £9.99, usually £14.99.

Send your first Wobble →

Why is my confidence so low?

Low confidence usually has a history rather than a single cause, and the NHS says low self-esteem often begins in childhood, with teachers, friends, siblings, parents and the media all sending messages about who we are, and the message that you are not good enough being the one that tends to stay. You might have struggled to live up to other people's expectations, or your own.

It does not all come from childhood. The NHS also points to stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, and to personality, since some people are simply more prone to negative thinking while others set impossibly high standards for themselves. Mind's list is more everyday: being bullied, experiencing discrimination, losing a job, problems at work or while studying, health problems, a relationship ending, money or housing worries, concerns about appearance, and the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations through social media. Mind also says plainly that there might not be one particular cause.

What matters more than the cause is what low confidence does next. The NHS describes how people with low self-esteem hide away from social situations, stop trying new things and avoid anything they find challenging. That feels safe in the short term and backfires in the longer term, because it reinforces the underlying doubts and teaches you that the only way to cope is to avoid things. That loop is what the rest of this article is trying to break.

What is the difference between confidence and self-esteem?

In everyday use there is very little difference, and both the NHS and Mind treat them together, with Mind describing self-esteem as how we value and perceive ourselves and adding that we might also think of it as self-confidence. The NHS uses "low self-esteem or confidence" in the same breath.

If a working distinction helps, self-esteem is the settled opinion you hold of yourself, and confidence is usually how able you feel in a specific situation. It is entirely possible to present well in a meeting and still privately believe you are not up to much. Mind lists what self-esteem affects: whether you like and value yourself, can make decisions and assert yourself, recognise your strengths, feel able to try new or difficult things, move past mistakes without blaming yourself unfairly, and believe you matter and are good enough. Read that list and most confidence problems turn out to be self-esteem problems underneath, which is why building the two together works better than tricks for looking confident.

How to build confidence and self esteem

Everything below comes from NHS and Mind self-esteem guidance. None of it is quick, all of it is doable this week, and you do not need to do all of it at once.

Write the negative beliefs down, then argue back. The NHS approach is to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself and then challenge them. Note the thoughts as they arrive, the "too stupid to apply for that job" or "nobody cares" variety, ask yourself when you first started thinking them, then write down evidence that argues against them, however small. Mind's quicker version for the moment itself is to ask whether you would talk to a friend in this way.

Build a list of at least five positive things and keep it visible. The NHS suggests writing down positive things about yourself, along with good things other people have said about you, aiming for at least five, adding to it regularly and putting it somewhere you can see it. Mind adds accepting compliments rather than batting them away, saving them up for the days you are doubting yourself, and asking people what they like about you, since they often notice things you never would.

Recognise what you are good at and do more of it. The NHS points out that everyone is good at something, whether that is cooking, singing, puzzles or being a friend, and that we tend to enjoy the things we are good at, which helps mood as well. Mind's version is to celebrate your successes however small, and it gives getting out for a walk or doing some tidying as examples, which tells you how low the bar is allowed to be.

Set yourself a challenge you can actually finish. The NHS notes that people with healthy self-esteem feel nervous too, they just do not let the nerves stop them, and it suggests a goal such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion, because achieving goals helps increase self-esteem. Mind suggests small goals, learning something new, or volunteering. The size matters. A goal small enough to complete gives you evidence, and evidence is what the avoidance loop has been starving you of.

Practise being assertive, including saying no. The NHS describes assertiveness as respecting other people's opinions and needs and expecting the same from them, and its practical tip is to watch people who do it well and copy them, not to pretend to be someone you are not. It also notes that people with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes even when they do not want to, and end up overburdened and resentful. Mind's suggestion is to pause, take a breath and think about how you actually feel before agreeing to something.

Be careful who you spend time with, online and off. The NHS suggests spending less time with people who bring you down, or telling them how their words affect you, and building relationships with people who appreciate you. Mind extends the same logic to your feed, advising you to limit time on social media and online communities because what people choose to share is not always the full picture. If comparison is the specific thing eating your confidence, how to stop comparing yourself to others covers that habit on its own.

Be kind to yourself, and look after the basics. The NHS puts it simply: think what you would say to a friend in the same situation, because we give far better advice to others than to ourselves. Mind adds getting to know what makes you happy and what you value, doing something nice for yourself, and the basics of sleep, eating regularly, physical activity and time outside, while avoiding drugs and alcohol as a way of coping, since they tend to make things worse in the long run.

Wobble's therapists work to the Wobble response framework, a structured framework built for short, practical, single-response support, which follows the same logic as the list above. One clear step you can take this week beats a plan to overhaul how you feel about yourself by the end of the month.

Want a personal response?

Wobble connects you to a qualified UK therapist without the commitment of a full course of therapy. Describe what is going on and get a personal video back, usually within hours. First Wobble £9.99.

Send my first Wobble →

Why does my confidence disappear at work?

Work is one of the places Mind names directly, listing problems at work and losing a job among the things that can knock self-esteem, and it is where the avoidance loop the NHS describes is most expensive, because not applying for the role and not saying the thing in the meeting both feel safe in the moment and quietly confirm the doubt afterwards.

The version where you are convinced everyone else belongs and you slipped through has its own name, and imposter syndrome at work goes into it properly.

Where on-demand support fits

Low confidence rarely feels serious enough to justify a course of therapy, so for a lot of people nothing happens at all, sometimes for years. Wobble sits in that gap. You describe what is going on in text or voice and a qualified UK therapist sends back a personal video with something practical to try, usually within hours, with no course to commit to. Wobble's Clinical Lead is James Penney, an NCPS Accredited Psychotherapeutic Counsellor.

It is not a substitute for ongoing therapy if that is what you need, and the section below covers when that is the right call.

When to see your GP

Mind is clear that low self-esteem is not a mental health problem in itself, but that the two are closely linked, and that some signs of low self-esteem can also be signs of a mental health problem, especially if they last a long time or affect your daily life. The examples it gives are feeling hopeless or worthless, blaming yourself unfairly, hating yourself, and worrying about being unable to do things. The NHS is similarly direct that living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety. If any of that is where you are, a GP appointment is a reasonable next step rather than an overreaction.

The NHS says talking therapies such as counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help with low self-esteem, and Mind says the same. If you live in England and are 18 or over, or 16 or 17 in some areas, you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression without going through your GP, and you do not need a diagnosed condition to do it. Waits vary widely, so referring early is sensible. Elsewhere in the UK, your GP can tell you what is available locally. If you go private, the NHS advice is to make sure the therapist is registered with a professional body, and BACP, UKCP, BABCP, BPS and NCS are the ones to look for, with Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) letting you search by location.

Seek urgent help if you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or feel you cannot keep yourself safe. NHS 111 has a mental health option available 24/7, Samaritans are on 116 123 day or night, and Shout is a text service on 85258.

Try Wobble for £9.99

On-demand mental health support from qualified UK therapists. Describe what is going on, get a personal video back usually within hours. First Wobble £9.99, then from £8.75 with a plan.

Send my first Wobble →

Quick summary

Confidence and self-esteem are close enough to work on together, and low self-esteem is a pattern with a history rather than a fact about you. The NHS approach is to write down the negative beliefs, argue back with evidence, keep a visible list of at least five positive things about yourself, and set small challenges you can actually finish, because achieving them is what rebuilds self-esteem. Alongside that, practise saying no, spend more time with people who appreciate you and less time comparing yourself to a feed, and look after sleep, food and movement. The NHS is clear that we can develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age. If low self-esteem has slid into feeling worthless or hopeless, or it is affecting your daily life, your GP and NHS talking therapies are the proper next step.

For the wider anxiety picture, see anxiety self-help. If comparison is the specific problem, see how to stop comparing yourself to others.

Sources and further reading

• NHS: Raising low self-esteem (nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support)
• NHS: Find NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression (nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services)
• Mind: About self-esteem (mind.org.uk)
• Mind: Tips to improve your self-esteem (mind.org.uk)
• BACP: bacp.co.uk
• UKCP: psychotherapy.org.uk
• BABCP: babcp.com
• BPS: bps.org.uk
• NCS: nationalcounsellingsociety.org
• Counselling Directory: counselling-directory.org.uk
• Samaritans: 116 123 (samaritans.org)
• Shout: text 85258 (giveusashout.org)

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If low confidence or self-esteem is affecting your daily life, please speak to your GP or contact NHS 111. If you are in crisis, please call 999 or go to A&E.