How to help a partner with depression: what to say, what to avoid, and how to look after yourself

Wobble is not a crisis service. If you are in danger call 999, or Samaritans on 116 123.

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To help a partner with depression, listen without trying to fix it, keep life normal, and look after yourself too. Encourage them towards their GP without forcing it. The NHS advice for helping someone with depression comes down to letting them know you care and are there to listen, accepting them as they are without judging them, gently encouraging them to help themselves, and being patient. You do not need to be a therapist for any of it.

This article is for the person on the other side of the bed: the husband, wife or partner watching someone they love go quiet, and wondering what to say and whether they are making it worse. It covers what depression tends to look like at home, how to support your partner day to day, what not to do, what to do if they will not get help, and how to keep yourself well, because a partner who burns out helps nobody. The guidance is drawn from the NHS, Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, Samaritans and the Mental Health Foundation. It is not a diagnostic tool, and it will not tell you whether your partner has depression. A GP does that.

If the worry has turned inward and you now find yourself anxious about the relationship itself, relationship anxiety is the hub for that. If your partner's struggle is anxiety rather than low mood, how to help someone with anxiety is the sister guide.

What does depression look like in a partner?

Depression in a partner often looks like withdrawal before it looks like sadness. The NHS lists the signs someone may be depressed: losing interest in things they normally enjoy, seeming down or hopeless, speaking and moving more slowly or becoming more restless, tiredness and low energy, frequent irritation or anger, eating much more or much less, sleeping much more or much less, trouble concentrating, neglecting themselves or the home, and becoming isolated from others. Living with someone, you tend to notice the small versions first: the hobby that stopped, the phone that goes unanswered, the snapping over nothing.

Two things catch partners out. The first is irritability. Depression is not only low mood, and the NHS counts feeling irritable and intolerant of others among its psychological symptoms, so the person who has started biting your head off may be unwell rather than angry with you. The second is intimacy. The NHS lists low sex drive among the physical symptoms of depression, and the Mental Health Foundation makes the point that changes in your partner's behaviour are usually not a reflection of how much they value the relationship. Depression drains energy and motivation, and wanting you less is often part of that.

How does depression affect relationships?

Depression affects a relationship by pulling one person inward while the other carries more of the load. The NHS says plainly that it is not just the person with depression who is affected by their illness, and that if you are caring for someone with depression, your relationship with them and family life in general can become strained. The NHS trust guide for partners, from Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust, notes that research suggests having a partner with depression can increase your own psychological distress.

You do more of the cooking, the childcare, the social explaining. Plans get cancelled. Conversations get shorter. You start editing what you say so as not to tip them over, and then you feel lonely in a house with someone in it. Feeling lonely in a relationship is written for exactly that gap. None of it means the relationship is failing. The Mental Health Foundation's advice is to expect gradual improvement rather than sudden change, and to keep in mind that depression is only one part of who your partner is.

How to support a partner with depression

Supporting a partner with depression is mostly small, repeated things rather than one big conversation. The steps below are the ones the NHS, Mind and the Mental Health Foundation describe for friends and family, and all of them are things you can start this week.

Listen rather than fix. Mind's advice is that the best thing friends and family can do is simply listen, and that just being willing to hear someone's problems makes them feel less alone. The NHS Every Mind Matters guidance on helping others suggests open questions that start with how, what, where or when, and listening without judgement. You do not have to have the answers.

Keep things normal. The NHS suggests doing what you usually do, because behaving differently can make someone feel more isolated. Mind says the same: keep doing the things you would usually do together, whether that is watching TV or a shared hobby, and talk about the things you normally would.

Help with the practical, and find a balance. Mind suggests practical help such as housework, cooking, looking into what services are available or going with them to appointments, while also encouraging them to do things for themselves. Simplifying things helps too: a regular online grocery shop, or easy meals cooked in batches. The NHS adds that little acts of kindness, like offering to do the shopping, count. Ask what they would find helpful rather than guessing.

Encourage help, gently. The NHS suggests encouraging them to talk to a GP and finding out about local services such as NHS Talking Therapies or depression support groups. The NHS trust guide for partners says you can go with your partner to the GP appointment if it makes things easier. What the NHS Every Mind Matters guidance asks you not to do is force someone to talk or get help, or go to a GP on their behalf.

Keep in touch, even when they go quiet. Mind points out that someone with depression may not have the energy to keep up contact, so a text to say you are thinking of them can make a big difference, and that you should try not to put pressure on them to reply. A message from the other room on a bad day still lands, even when you live together.

Be patient. The NHS lists patience among its tips for helping someone who seems down. The NHS trust guide for partners puts it as not expecting too much too soon, because even getting out of bed can be hard for someone with depression. Noticing and commenting on small improvements, it says, is one of the most helpful things you can do.

What to say to a depressed partner, and what to avoid

Mind suggests simple, direct things to say to a partner with depression. Its examples: "I'm sorry you're feeling like this, and I'm here for you", "You're important to me", "How are you managing?", and "What can I do to help you today?", or something more specific, like offering to come and keep them company.

Mind also lists the statements to avoid: "cheer up" or "just think positively"; "you don't seem that sad", or anything that invalidates what they are going through; "other people have it far worse than you"; "you wouldn't be depressed if you just did some exercise", or anything that blames them; and "you're being selfish", or "you should think about how this affects the rest of us". The NHS trust guide for partners adds some craft for the harder conversations: use "I" statements rather than "you" statements, raise specific examples rather than general concerns, introduce a worry by expressing appreciation first, and avoid ending a positive point with a criticism. If you are hunting for words for a different kind of loss, what to say to someone who is grieving covers that ground.

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What not to do when your partner is depressed?

Do not criticise, do not take over, and do not try to force a recovery on your timetable. Mind's guidance is not to blame your partner or put pressure on them to get better straight away, because they are probably already being very critical and harsh towards themselves. The NHS trust guide for partners says not to expect your partner to just snap out of it, to stay away from blame, and to accept that depression is an illness and is nobody's fault.

Taking over is harder to spot. The same guide warns that overprotection, such as avoiding social contact and taking over responsibilities, can risk isolating your partner. Mind's version is to find a balance between helping with practical things and encouraging them to do things themselves. The guide also suggests not stepping back from your shared life: try to agree that you will keep up with social events and other activity as much as you can, and remind your partner that it is worth seeing friends, since people rarely feel worse when they do something they would normally enjoy.

Alcohol is the last one. The NHS says cigarettes and alcohol may seem to help depression at first but make things worse in the long run, and the NHS trust guide for partners says it is important that your partner does not drink lots of alcohol even if it makes them feel relaxed in the short term.

What if my partner will not get help?

You cannot force a partner to get help for depression, and Mind says so directly. What you can do, in Mind's words, is reassure them that it is OK to ask for help and that support is out there, be patient because there may be reasons they are finding it hard to ask, let them know you care and will be there if they change their mind, and show them where to go when they are ready. Mind also says to accept, if you can, that there are limits to what you can do for another person, and that feeling frustrated, distressed and powerless about this is understandable.

The gentlest route in is often the one the NHS trust guide for partners suggests: go with them to the appointment, rather than asking them to do it alone. The NHS trust guide for partners says that if your partner seems hopeless about the future, or is talking about harming themselves, it is very important to get professional help, and to ask them to visit their doctor as soon as possible. If they will not, the urgent routes in the section below are for you as well as for them.

Looking after yourself when your partner is depressed

Looking after yourself is part of helping your partner. Mind's guidance for friends and family is blunt about it: looking after someone else can put a strain on your wellbeing, your mental health is important too, and you will probably feel more able to support someone if you take care of your own. Mind also says to try not to feel guilty about taking time for yourself, which is the bit that is easiest to skip. Rethink Mental Illness says the same to anyone supporting someone with a mental illness: remember that your needs matter, and give yourself time to enjoy life, such as a hobby.

The NHS trust guide for partners suggests leaning on friends and family, staying active, keeping up the things you enjoy, and dealing with one problem at a time. The Mental Health Foundation suggests involving friends and family so that neither of you is carrying it alone, taking breaks, and asking for help when you need it. If the load has already tipped into exhaustion, carer burnout is written for the point where looking after someone leaves nothing for you. In England, the NHS says anyone over 18 who cares for someone can ask their local council's adult social services for a carer's assessment, which is free and looks at how caring affects your physical and mental health, work, free time and relationships.

Partners also need somewhere to put their own feelings, and a Wobble is built for that. You describe what is going on, in writing or by voice note, and a qualified UK therapist records you a personal video working to the Wobble response framework: what they understood, practical guidance, and one or two clear next steps. People use it once, or as a regular check-in while they carry someone else. Wobble is individual support for you, not couples therapy, and Wobble's Clinical Lead is James Penney, NCPS Accredited Psychotherapeutic Counsellor. For the relationship itself, the NHS suggests that a relationship counsellor can help if difficulties arise, and support groups for people in a similar situation.

When your partner needs more than you can give

See a GP together when low mood has lasted more than two weeks or is affecting daily life. The NHS says to see a GP if symptoms of depression are there for most of the day, every day, for more than two weeks, and that a low mood often improves after a short time. In England your partner can refer themselves to NHS Talking Therapies without a GP if they are 18 or over, or 16 or 17 in some areas, and the service covers persistent low mood and depression. Waits vary widely. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland the GP is the usual route.

It is urgent if your partner is talking about harming themselves or ending their life, or you do not feel you can keep them safe. Samaritans say that evidence shows asking someone directly whether they are suicidal can protect them, because it gives them permission to tell you how they feel, and that you do not have to be able to solve their problems. The NHS advice is to let them know they are not alone and you care, and to encourage them to talk about how they are feeling. Then act. Call NHS 111 and select the mental health option, any hour of the day. If they have seriously harmed themselves or feel they are about to, call 999 or go to A&E, and stay with them if you can. Mind suggests it can also help to remove things they could use to harm themselves. The NHS says a mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one.

Who you can talk to today

Here is who will listen today, whether it is your partner who needs it or you.

• NHS Talking Therapies is free, and in England your partner can refer themselves without seeing a GP.
• NHS 111 has a mental health option you can choose, day or night, for either of you.
• Samaritans are on 116 123, free, 24 hours a day, and you can call them if you are worried about someone else.
• Shout is a free text service, 24 hours a day: text SHOUT to 85258.
• Mind runs an Infoline on 0300 123 3393 and a Support line on 0300 102 1234, 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday.
• Your GP, or your partner's, if low mood has lasted more than two weeks or is affecting your days.

Wobble is on-demand mental health support: you choose a topic, then answer six short questions about it, add more in writing or by voice note if you want, and a qualified UK therapist records you a personal video with practical guidance, usually within hours. Use it once, or make it a regular check-in. Your first Wobble is £9.99, usually £14.99. It is not a crisis service.

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Quick summary

Helping a partner with depression means listening without fixing and keeping life as normal as you can. Help with the practical without taking over, and encourage them towards a GP without forcing it. Depression often shows up at home as withdrawal, irritability and lost interest, including in intimacy, and the Mental Health Foundation says those changes are usually not a reflection of how much your partner values the relationship. Say that you are there and that they matter; avoid "cheer up", comparisons and blame. If they will not get help, stay patient, keep the door open and look after yourself. See a GP when low mood has lasted more than two weeks, and use NHS 111, 999, Samaritans or Shout if they are not safe. Your own health is part of the job.

For the anxiety version of this guide, see how to help someone with anxiety. If you are the one feeling low, low mood is the hub for that. If you have been carrying it for a long time, see carer burnout.

Sources and further reading

• NHS: How to help someone with depression
• NHS: Depression in adults, symptoms
• NHS: Depression in adults, living with
• NHS: Low mood, sadness and depression
• NHS: Every Mind Matters, helping others
• NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
• NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts
• NHS Talking Therapies self-referral (England)
• NHS: Carer's assessments
• NHS, Cumbria, Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS Foundation Trust: Depression and low mood, a guide for partners
• Mind: How to help someone with depression
• Mind: Helplines
• Rethink Mental Illness: Supporting someone with a mental illness
• Mental Health Foundation: Supporting a partner with depression
• Samaritans: Supporting someone with suicidal thoughts
• Shout: text 85258

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If your partner's low mood is affecting daily life, please encourage them to speak to their GP or contact NHS 111. If you are in crisis, or your partner is, please call 999 or go to A&E.