Matrescence: the identity shift of becoming a mother, and why it feels so hard

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Matrescence is the physical, emotional, psychological and social transition a person goes through when they become a mother. The word was coined in the 1970s by the anthropologist Dana Raphael, and NCT, BACP and the British Psychological Society all use it to describe a change in identity, body, brain and relationships that has been likened to adolescence. It is not an illness and not a diagnosis. It is the name for a passage most mothers go through without a name for it, which is a large part of why it can feel so disorienting.

If you have typed the word into a search bar, there is a fair chance someone mentioned it and it landed, or you are trying to work out why you have felt like a stranger to yourself since the baby arrived. This article covers what matrescence means, why becoming a mother can shake your sense of who you are, which feelings are common and rarely said out loud, and where the line sits between a hard transition and something that needs help. It draws on NCT, BACP, the British Psychological Society, Mind, the NHS and the Royal College of Psychiatrists. If the feeling that dominates is worry that will not switch off, our guide to anxiety self-help covers the things with evidence behind them, and postnatal anxiety covers the new-parent version specifically.

What is matrescence?

Matrescence is the process of becoming a mother, and the time that process takes. NCT describes it as the transition women undergo after having a baby, and the clinical psychologist Aurélie Athan, who revived the term, frames it as a developmental passage that runs through pre-conception, pregnancy and birth. BACP's journal Coaching Today traces the word to the medical anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, and The Psychologist, the British Psychological Society's magazine, describes it as a body-mind process akin to adolescence.

The comparison with adolescence is the useful bit. Nobody expects a teenager to feel settled in a body that is changing, a brain that is rewiring and a place in the world that has shifted overnight. NCT makes the same point about mothers: the change is not only in their relationships and their sense of identity but in the way they think, and the transition to motherhood has been likened to adolescence in the way the brain changes through this period. What a teenager gets, and a new mother usually does not, is a general understanding that the awkwardness is a stage.

Matrescence is not a condition. There is nothing to diagnose and nothing to treat, which is the point of the word: it gives the ordinary, enormous upheaval of becoming a mother a category of its own, separate from postnatal depression or anxiety, while leaving room for the fact that some people do develop those and need proper help. The section on when to get help below covers that line. NCT also notes that people who do not go through the physical act of childbirth can still experience matrescence, including non-birthing parents, same-sex couples and intended parents, and that the version fathers go through is sometimes called patrescence.

Why does becoming a mother feel so disorienting?

Becoming a mother reorganises almost every structure your old sense of self rested on, at the same time. NCT puts it plainly: becoming a parent changes the parent's sense of identity, daily routine and place in society, and although it is often joyful, it is a huge hormonal and mental shift. The Psychologist lists the areas of change as brain, body, identity, relationships and, for many, money. Any one of those alone would count as a major life event. Mind describes having a baby as exactly that, a major life event that can be stressful, exhausting and overwhelming.

Some of the disorientation is practical and visible. Mind points out that you may leave your job or change your hours, which can hit your finances, and that you may have to give up or cut back on social activities and find it hard to see friends, which can leave you lonely. The NHS says having a baby often puts a strain on relationships regardless of what they were like before, partly because you are tired and have so much less time for friends, family or your partner.

Some of it is invisible, which is harder. The Psychologist describes a complex kaleidoscope of emotions arising in matrescence, and a push and pull in which a mother is drawn to her baby and also wants space for other parts of herself. Mind notes that some studies suggest hormonal changes during and after pregnancy can affect mood, but that hormones are unlikely to be the only cause of how you feel. Then there is the gap between the story and the day. NCT's Parents in Mind service puts it simply: the day-to-day reality of caring for a child can look very different from what was expected. Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust says the same: parenting might just be different to what you expected it to be.

The feelings nobody mentions at the baby group

Mixed feelings about motherhood are common, ordinary and rarely said out loud. BACP's journal describes maternal ambivalence, drawing on the psychotherapist Rozsika Parker, as loving and hating feelings for a child existing side by side. That is not a confession of being a bad mother. It is a description of what a relationship this intense feels like from the inside, and it sits alongside the love rather than cancelling it.

Grief for your old life is another. The NHS says you may feel lonely and cut off from your old life, especially with a first baby, and that a partner cannot give you everything you used to get from work and friends. Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust notes that having a baby can make parents feel lonely or disconnected from old friends, and that some feel they have lost their identity. Mind adds that it is easy to compare yourself to other parents, that social media mostly shows the positive images of parenthood, and that this can make you feel worse. If the comparison habit has taken hold, our guide to how to stop comparing yourself to others is the longer read.

Bonding can be slower than the adverts suggest, too. Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust says some parents fall in love with their baby in pregnancy or at birth while others need more time to build that closeness, and that holding, feeding and talking to your baby help build it. None of these feelings is a verdict. Guy's and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust says it is very common for new parents to feel tired, overwhelmed and anxious, and that you are doing nothing wrong by feeling this way.

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Is it normal to feel like you have lost yourself after having a baby?

Feeling that you have lost yourself after having a baby is common and has a name. BACP's journal describes motherhood as a developmental stage in which everything a woman thought she knew about herself changes. The NHS and Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust both describe new parents feeling cut off from their old lives or from their own identity, and Mind notes that low self-esteem can make you doubt your ability to cope as a parent, so that when the baby cries you assume it is something you did wrong.

Two things help with the lost feeling, and neither is pretending it is not there. The first is time. NCT says adjusting to becoming a parent and looking after a new baby will take time, and the NHS says the stage when a baby takes up all your physical and emotional energy does not last forever. The second is other people. The Psychologist's author argues that the transformation happens in relationship with others, and the NHS says you need other people in your life for support, friendship and a shoulder to cry on. The self that comes out of matrescence is not the old one restored. BACP's journal suggests a more useful question than how to get back to who you were: what being a good enough mother might mean to you.

Is this matrescence, or something that needs help?

Matrescence is the ordinary transition, and the line is whether your feelings start to seriously affect your life. Mind says having a baby is a big life event and it is natural to have a range of emotions, but that if those feelings start to seriously affect your life, you might be experiencing a perinatal mental health problem. Mind also acknowledges that it can be hard to tell whether how you are feeling is a problem, especially as a first-time parent, and that it is common to feel unsure about asking for help.

Some markers are worth knowing. The Royal College of Psychiatrists says over half of new mothers experience the baby blues, which usually start a few days after the birth, and the NHS says the baby blues usually go away within two weeks. Feeling low, hopeless, anxious or unable to bond that carries on past that point, or that starts at any time up to a year after the birth, is something the NHS says to tell your GP, midwife or health visitor about, even if you only have some of the signs. The Royal College of Psychiatrists puts postnatal depression at between 10 and 15 in every 100 women having a baby, says it can happen to anyone and is not your fault, and notes that fathers can become depressed after a birth too. BACP's journal makes the same distinction from the other side: the idea of matrescence can help normalise distress, but anyone with trauma or a perinatal mood or anxiety problem is likely to need specialist support.

If what you recognise is low mood, our guide to low mood covers it, and postnatal anxiety covers worry that will not switch off and the intrusive thoughts nobody warns you about. Neither article is a diagnostic tool. The people who can tell the difference are your midwife, health visitor and GP, and Mind says healthcare professionals understand that mental health problems are common and are there to help.

What helps while you find your feet

What helps with matrescence is small, mostly social, and drawn from Mind's guidance for every new parent. None of it is a cure for a transition, because a transition is not an illness. All of it makes the passage easier to bear.

Say how it actually feels to one person. Mind says talking about how we are feeling can help, and that explaining how your feelings are affecting your life may help others understand. The NHS adds, of partners, that however close you were before the baby, they cannot read your mind: both your lives are changing and you have to talk about it, so be honest about whether you need a hug or to feel understood.

Find other parents, if you want to. Mind says it can be reassuring to talk to other new parents, that research shows peer support can lower feelings of depression and anxiety in new parents, and that a parent-and-baby group built around an activity can make the talking easier. NCT runs courses and social groups, and its Parents in Mind service offers perinatal peer support from local parent volunteers. Mind is also clear that you should only go if you want to and feel ready.

Accept help and take it slowly. Mind suggests accepting practical help with shopping, cooking or cleaning, setting yourself twenty minutes on a task rather than facing the whole list, and being kind to yourself when a plan slips. Guy's and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust suggests resting where you can, since even short naps can help.

Set boundaries and keep your own people. Mind suggests telling visitors in advance how long you feel up to, and that you would rather they did not hold the baby if that is something you are worried about. The NHS says to keep in touch with friends and keep some space for them in your life, because their support can be really valuable.

Move a little, rest a little, compare less. Mind suggests a walk with the pram or dancing to music at home, a few minutes doing something that makes you feel good, and remembering that you do not know what is happening behind other parents' scenes.

Wobble is built for this kind of in-between, where nothing is wrong enough for a referral and nothing feels right either. Wobble's therapists work to the Wobble response framework, a structured framework for short, practical support: what they understood from what you told them, practical guidance, and one clear next step. For a new mother that can mean putting the lost feeling into words at 2am, by text or voice note, and getting a considered reply from a qualified UK therapist, usually within hours, once or as a regular check-in while the ground settles. Wobble's Clinical Lead is James Penney, NCPS Accredited Psychotherapeutic Counsellor.

When to see your GP, midwife or health visitor

Tell your GP, midwife or health visitor as soon as the feelings start to affect your days. Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust suggests reaching out to your GP or health visitor if you feel you are having lots of bad days. Mind says your health visitor can offer support for managing your mental health as well as for looking after your baby, and that you can talk to them about any difficult feelings or thoughts. The NHS says it is important to get help even if you only have some of the signs of postnatal depression, and that fathers and partners can be affected too.

In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies at nhs.uk/talk without going through your GP, if you are registered with a GP and aged 18 or over, or 16 or over in some areas. Waits vary widely. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, your midwife, health visitor or GP can tell you what perinatal support is available locally.

When it is urgent. If you feel you cannot keep yourself or your baby safe, or have thoughts of harming yourself that you fear you might act on, that is urgent. The NHS says a mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one. Call 999 or go to A&E if someone's life is at risk. Call NHS 111 and select the mental health option for urgent help that is not an emergency. Samaritans are on 116 123, free from any phone, 24 hours a day, and Shout is a free, confidential text service on 85258.

Who you can talk to today

Free routes first, then your GP, then Wobble.

• Your midwife or health visitor: the people already looking after you, who hear about the hard parts of new parenthood every week. Tell them at any appointment, or ring the number on your notes.
• NHS Talking Therapies (England): refer yourself at nhs.uk/talk without seeing your GP. Waits vary widely.
• NHS 111, mental health option: call 111 and select the mental health option for urgent help that is not an emergency.
• Samaritans: call 116 123, free from any phone, 24 hours a day.
• Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free and confidential, 24/7.
• Mind: information and support, and its Infoline on 0300 123 3393.
• NCT: courses and social groups for new parents, and Parents in Mind peer support.
• PANDAS Foundation: support for families affected by perinatal mental illness, including dads and partners, by WhatsApp or a bookable call.
• Tommy's midwives: 0800 0147 800, Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm.
• Your GP: if the feelings have gone past the first couple of weeks, are getting worse, or are affecting your days.

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Quick summary

Matrescence is the transition into motherhood, named so that the upheaval has somewhere to sit. The word dates from the 1970s and describes a change in identity, body, brain and relationships that NCT, BACP and the British Psychological Society compare to adolescence. It is not a diagnosis. Feeling disoriented, torn, lonely, cut off from your old life or unsure who you are now is common and does not mean you are failing. What helps is saying how it really feels to one person, finding other parents if you want to, accepting help, setting boundaries, keeping your own friends and comparing less. The line between a hard transition and something that needs help is whether the feelings seriously affect your life: the baby blues pass within a couple of weeks, and anything that carries on past that, or that starts at any point in the first year, is worth telling your midwife, health visitor or GP. If you cannot keep yourself or your baby safe, call 999 or 111 now.

For worry that will not switch off, see postnatal anxiety. For the wider picture on anxiety, see anxiety self-help.

Sources and further reading

• BACP, Coaching Today: Matrescence matters, helping clients navigate the motherhood transition
• BPS, The Psychologist: More gardener than goddess
• NCT: Helping a newborn transition to life outside the womb (matrescence)
• NCT Parents in Mind: Transition into parenthood (matrescence)
• Mind: Postnatal depression and perinatal mental health
• Mind: What causes perinatal mental health problems?
• Mind: Self-care tips for pregnancy and after having a baby
• Mind: Perinatal mental health support and services
• NHS: Relationships after having a baby
• NHS: Feeling depressed after childbirth
• NHS: NHS Talking Therapies
• NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
• Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust: Emotional health and wellbeing after birth
• Guy's and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust: Looking after yourself after your baby is born
• Royal College of Psychiatrists: Postnatal depression
• PANDAS Foundation: How we can support you
• Tommy's: Postnatal anxiety
• Samaritans: Contact a Samaritan
• Shout: text SHOUT to 85258

This article is for information only and does not replace advice from a qualified medical professional. If how you are feeling after having a baby is affecting your daily life, please speak to your midwife, health visitor or GP, or contact NHS 111. If you are in crisis, please call 999 or go to A&E.